Breakfast of Champions

New and Improved Honeycomb Cereal

Now with a thousand Angry Bees in every Box!

Here - We - Go

Being a regular eye visitor (reader) of my fanatical mind refuse (blog) is a true testament to one’s character and patience. Since it seems I have the consistency of two bipolar drunks on a teeter-totter. There are solutions to my absences of writing: A) Don’t wait until I have the perfect blog mind mapped out before I write it (or at least take notes so I don’t forget parts of it and give up) B) Stop being a procrastinating and lazy bitchpunk C) Put a .38 in my mouth and take the cowards way out. C sounds good. It requires the least amount of work, yet the most amount of regret…but being a procrastinator that’s regret I won’t feel for a really long time. Plus fingers crossed there’ll be a phoenix down out there with my name on it.

One paragraph in and already a self administered one man suicide pact? Macabre, I like it. Morose perhaps as well, and Morbid…just pick an M-word, they all work. Gotta love it. Since I’m on the topic of such things, I figure I mind as well stick to it to make up for how literarily attention-defocit and word-tourettes my last post was.
So death? It’s around the corner eh? Shame we can’t all have the longevity of a Hugh Jackman character. So, how are ways you can leave a legacy behind…aside from the obvious like naming your son Jr. or genocide. Well, let me enlighten you to a few ways it can be done.

Firstly, build something, building something is always cool, but risky. You can’t just keep building lots of things, because then you’re just an architect, a common civil servant. No, you need to build one thing, and make it massive and awesome, and unpredictable. Like when Emperor Constantine crafted his mighty ice palace. That’s a big one. And now he’s in all the texts. And you also have to try and not just build something…or you’ll be the guy who built that one thing…you need to also do other manly feats of epicness. But the cool part of building stuff is that years later you’ll watch a film maker pretend to blow it up for his movie, and if you built something epic enough, well then instead it will surely blow him up!

Invent a cool phrase or exclamation that sweeps continents. For example, if something really cool and badass happens, that has a nostalgic and semi comic feel to it, would you rather say all that to explain it? Or just say “That’s so swashbuckle!”

Defeat an animal with a propensity for rage twice your girth in single combat. If it’s mythological it’s even better on you.

Lead an expedition to an awesome uncharted land. (we’re running out of those) This can also tie in to the animal fight. For example, I have the goal to hunt the world’s largest marsupial. Or the whole Bearshark legend. (A time I bested a frightening monstrosity. I know it sounds unbelievable, but I’m bonafide)

Come back to life after dying. That’s the hardest one to do

Be an angry recluse who teachers an inner city black kid to write/escapes from Alcatraz/train immortal swordsmen/bends around lasers with Catherine Zeta-Jones…Douglas. Basically any Connery Role and you’re good

Blow up a small planet

Punch a whale

Buy a whip and use it often

Found an entire culture that is set to living in a different time period. Always fun. Starting up a secluded village that thinks it’s the renaissance. A good way to practice is if you have kids, just convince them there has been an apocalypse and they live in a tragic “Islandesque” future, minus the Michael Bay explosions. This is also a good way to become reknowned with Child services.

Cure or invent a major disease. Either works really, just pick one. flip a coin. Go

Fight a natural disaster. Sounds stupid, but wouldn’t you love to be known as the guy who roundhouse kicked an avalanche? Or the lady who went all Pecos Bill on a tornado so bad that Helen Hunt crapped her pants?

Leave behind creepy audio tapes or old videos of you giving people clues to stuff. It’s eerie and a great sub plot

These are a few of the really cool ways to leave a legacy behind you, and become the stuff of legends. Other ways are in your death itself. Going in your sleep is hardly a way to be remembered. Some think taking out as many people with you as possible is a good way to, but I politely think that is the dumbest idea a moron could possibly have…yes, polite. Why is that? Well, because you have to share the memory of the death with all the others lost. What you want is a stand alone venue, like staying behind to blow up an asteroid so that many others may live…except not that, because you’ll be angrily remembered by all those who know that you let Ben Affleck live instead, especially so if the god of short straws decided it was his time for self sacrifice. (note to self, 2 Michael Bay references in one post are 3 too many) If you add the resurrection legacy points to any of these deaths, then not only have you achieved a double whammy, but you get to live to fight to die again another day. (sounds like a kinky James Bond movie) And try to avoid something that’ll get you a Darwin award. Instead you’d want a death that would be soo cool that Darwin himself would have to give you an award of “BADASS” when you meet him in science heaven. Here are some “guuuoooohd deeatths”

Backflip a dirtbike into a volcano

Fight a bear. Maybe even joust a bear? Joust a bear on a bike? Joust a bear wearing armour while you ride a bike? Basically any sort of bear-combat related death. Preferably a firebear…it’s a win-win situation, if you best the beast then you attained one of the other legacy points.

Drawn and quartered by horses

Crash a submarine full of dynamite into a fifth story building

Climb inside a lion. Literally, force yourself inside the animal with out being technically eaten. I’m sure you’ll both eventually die.

Collide into the moon with some sort of single manned spacecraft. Make it a highly televised event as well. Man vs. the moon? I don’t know, I’m not a spin doctor

These are some of the many ways you can gain some awesome legacy points as you cease to live.

Congratulations, you are well on your way to becoming legendary. Gain enough legacy points and you can even get into some really awesome exclusive clubs. Most have a scarf check that is completely different from their coat check, just because they can. Now that is awesome and exclusive.


The elusive and often volatile firebear